


told myself that i wouldn't be scared (but i'm still having nightmares)

by orphan_account



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 15:57:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19298992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This was not happening, Cyrus had to be hallucinating. TJ wouldn't take Kira to his safe place. He wouldn't. Would he?





	told myself that i wouldn't be scared (but i'm still having nightmares)

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song 'nightmares' by all time low!:) 
> 
> enjoy<3

This was not happening, Cyrus had to be hallucinating. TJ wouldn't take Kira to _his_ safe place. He wouldn't. Would he? Cyrus really couldn't be too sure as of right now, seeing as they were _both_ there, and TJ sees him too.

 

He feels like he should run away, or at the very least look away from the sight, but he felt as if his feet were being swallowed up by the ground with each passing second. His breath hitched as TJ started making his way towards him, and his palms became damp with sweat.

 

"What are you doing here?" TJ snapped. Cyrus' eyes widened in shock, shoulders tensing as he stared silently at the 14 year old standing in front of him. "Well?" TJ seemed aggressive yet calm at the same time, almost as if he were over it, but still mad.

 

_But why_ _?_ Cyrus couldn't help but wonder, _isn't it_ _sup_ _posed to be_ me _who's upset?_

 

"What do you mean by that?" He defends, "I'm the one who showed you the swings in the first place. I mean I get its a public place and all, but did you really have to bring _her_ here? After ditching me?"

 

TJ just rolled his eyes in response to him. Kira at that point had started to walk towards the pair of them, a glare set in her features. "Why are you talking to my boyfriend?" She smirked.

 

Cyrus felt his stomach drop at her words. _Boyfriend?_ _They're together?_ _?_ He felt dizzy with the new information, even though it didn't come as much of a surprise. She was beautiful, TJ was bound to be attracted to her. Why wouldn't he be?

 

Cyrus' eyebrows pinched together as the pair in front of him started to laugh, "What? What's so funny?"

 

TJ was the one who spoke up, "Did you actually think I would ever go for someone like _you_ _?_ Even if I was into guys, you would be the last one on my list."

 

Each word that left his mouth caused the lump in Cyrus' throat to rise. He felt as if he were choking, and his stomach felt heavy, like he swallowed a bunch of rocks. He didn't understand where any of this was coming from. He didn't do anything for TJ to be treating him like this. All he ever did for him was be a _good_ and _understanding_ friend, and this is how he decides to treat him? All because he got a _girlfriend_ _?_

 

Nothing was making _any_ sense and it was starting to give Cyrus a headache. "Are you kidding me? I've never been _anything_ but good to you! You absolute prick! Buffy was right about you." No matter how hard he tried, Cyrus' feet still refuses to budge, it was like they were actually a part of the earth, deep rooted into the soil.

 

Kira and TJ continue laughing, but at this point all it sounded like in Cyrus' ears was distant buzzing. He could see the amusement in their faces, and could _feel_ the embarrassment on his own, yet he was stuck in place. Seemingly frozen and incapable of being anywhere but there, being laughed at by his crush and his crushes new girlfriend, whom he was ditched for.

 

Then suddenly everything was spinning, and he was no longer stuck in place. His feet and legs started working again, and Cyrus ran. Ran until his lungs burned, and his vision became blurry with tears. He couldn't believe what had just happened. This couldn't be real, TJ would never do that to him, TJ was his best friend. He was sweet, considerate, and patient with Cyrus always. What changed? Did he finally realize how much better he could do than Cyrus? Was Cyrus really that bad that TJ would ditch him for a girl he knew for a couple of weeks?

 

After what felt like an eternity, Cyrus finally came to a halt, trying to catch his breath. All of it left his body once again as he realized that he ran in a complete circle and TJ and Kira were back in view, still laughing at him. Yet this time, it was worse. There was more people there, all pointing fingers and making fun of him. More tears fell from his eyes as he noticed that all if his friends were there right by TJs side, making fun of him along with everyone else.

 

"Buffy... Andi, no.." his lungs felt like they were collapsing in on themselves, "Jonah. Guys? What's going on!?" He screamed. His throat hurt from the power behind the yell, almost as if he screamed loud enough to damage the skin on the inside of it.

 

As the laughing continued, the spinning became more apparent and almost too nauseating to bear. Then, suddenly, everything went black.

 

"Cyrus... Cyrus! Cyrus, wake up!" He shot up, grabbing at his chest. His heart was racing, tears flowed down his cheeks, and beads of sweat were running down his temples. He felt cold yet overheated at the same time, and his vision was bleary with sleep and panic. Everything was still spinning, much like it was just a moment ago, yet this time it somehow felt _worse_ than before.

 

"Cyrus, please calm down. You're okay, its okay. This is temporary." The voice whispered calmly, "deep breaths, baby. In and then out, just like that. You got it, in and out. Keep on, come on Cy. You're okay, I promise."

 

Slowly but surely his breathing caught up to him, and he could finally see without only seeing a figureless blobs. The source of the voice was coming from none other than his mother. He furrowed his eyebrows confused, looking around him. Reality set in as he realized that it was just a dream. None of what happened was real, TJ didn't say those things, and he wasn't with Kira. Was he? Cyrus couldn't bring himself to actually care that much. As long as he knew that all that just went down was a figment of his imagination. Just a _nightmare_ _._ Nothing more.

 

Sobs left his mouth as he clung to his mother in a hug. Sobs of sadness, and relief. Words really could not explain how grateful he was that it was a dream. "Hey, sweetie. You're okay, I promise." Leslie spoke softly, rubbing circles on his back, occasionally pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Cyrus doesn't know how long they sat like that, but the moment was broken as a stream of sunlight decided to dance across the room, spreading light in its path.

 

"I'm sorry.." was the broken whisper that left his mouth, "What time is it? You should go back to bed, momma." 

 

Guilt was clear in his features, and Leslie's heart ached looking at her boy. "Cy, baby, I'm fine. Are you though?" It was a reasonable question. She did wake up to hearing her son tossing, turning, and crying in his sleep at five in the morning, which says a lot. Their rooms weren't exactly close together. "I'm worried about you. You've been off since last Friday, dear."

 

Cyrus looked up from his lap, making eye contact with his mom. Worry was etched into her face, no doubt about that. He didn't know whether or not he should explain. Could he explain without having to come out? "Maybe I'm ready to."

 

Confusion dawned on his mothers face, "Ready to what, Cy?"

 

He tilted his head, as if he were contemplating the discussion. He could do this. He trusted his mom. "Mom, I'm- I'm gay." He looked away from her in shame, a few stray tears rolling down his cheeks.

 

Leslie's eyes widened, "oh!" She was shocked slightly by the coming out, but also proud. Cyrus looked up again as the noise left her mouth, looking at her questioningly. "Baby, I am _so_ proud of you. I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me too. Does anyone else know? Or was I the first?"

 

He shook his head, "Buffy was the first to know," he smiled at his lap, like he was rethinking fondly of the memory, "I had a crush on Jonah Beck. That's how I knew for certain."

 

"Well, I love you no matter what. You know that," she reassured him, "is that what the nightmare was about? Having to come out to me?" She frowned. Was he scared that she wouldn't except him?

 

Cyrus shook his head frantically, "No! Not at all! I knew you would still love me. And I love you too!" He rushed to say, he didn't want his mom to worry about that, "I just- I have a uh, a crush? On a different boy."

 

He shrugged sheepishly at her, seeming to be embarrassed. Leslie found it sweet, her son was experiencing young love, "Ohh who is it? Have I met him yet?"

 

Cyrus laughed at her eagerness, "Yeah, actually. You have," he smiled, thinking back to his bar mitzvah. That was such a fun day, TJ looked so handsome in a suit. "He was at my bar mitzvah. His name is-"

 

"TJ!" His mom guessed. 

 

His eyes widened in shock. "Uh, yeah actually. How'd you know?" He asked.

 

She smiled at her sons confusion. She remembered meeting TJ at the bar mitzvah, he was a very tall and bubbly teenager for the most part. She did recall a time that night where he looked pretty stressed while speaking to Buffy, but other than that, the boy seems to always have a smile on his face. Especially while around her son. "Oh silly, he introduced himself to me at your bar mitzvah, and when saying you invited him, he had a big smile on his face. He really cares about you, and you _do_ tend to talk about him quite often. Its easy to put two and two together, dear."

 

Cyrus could feel a blush rising, tips of his ears turning pink alongside his cheeks. _He cares about me? Sure doesn't seem like it_ _._ He thought to himself, frowning. "Yeah, I guess..." He muttered, "He asked me to a do a costume with him for costume day. Then ditched me. For a pretty girl."

 

Leslie frowned at the sight of him looking so down, "After asking you? That doesn't make much sense."

 

"Right!? That's what I thought!" Cyrus exclaimed, before realizing it was probably too early to be yelling like that, Todd was probably still asleep. "Sorry.. but yeah. I thought the same thing. He only _met_ Kira two days prior to that. Why would he choose her over me? At least we're friends. He doesn't even know her! The only thing that makes sense is he likes her or something."

 

He looked down in shame, "I dunno why I even thought he could like me back. I'm a _boy_ _._ " He spat, disgust filling his tone. Leslie frowned at that.

 

"Cyrus Goodman. I will not sit here and let you speak that way!" She scolded him. Who was he to say that TJ didn't like him? That wasn't the idea she had gotten from the other boy. "It seems like there's a bigger reason behind it. You said it yourself, he only met her two days prior. Maybe there's more to the story."

 

Cyrus thought it over. That could be true, but what if it wasn't? What if TJ really did just have a crush on Kira? She sure seemed interested in him. They would be an athletic power couple. Cyrus was just a film nerd who couldn't run to save his life. Why would TJ want him? Of all people?

 

"I guess..." He agreed with her, "maybe you're right. I'll talk to him tomorrow after school, maybe. I think for now though, I'm going to try and get a little bit more sleep. Thank you, mom. For everything. I love you."

 

Leslie returned the words, kissed his forehead softly, and left the room. She hated seeing her baby so distressed over this. She could only hope that the two boys figured everything out soon. She just wants her son to be happy.

 

-

 

The next day seems to pass by in a blur. The mood seemed to be down, just like it had been for the last week and a half since costume day. Things were awkward between Andi and Jonah again after he ditched the costume, Andi was also still pretty torn up about the wedding being off. Celia didn't take it well _at all_ _._ She still hasn't spoken to Bex, and Andi is stuck in the middle of it.

 

Cyrus spent the whole day worrying about what he was goinv to say to TJ. The pair hasn't spoken since TJ tried to apologize after school last Friday. Would he say sorry for ignoring him? Ask him about it? Pretend nothing happened? He just wanted everything to go back to normal without having any awkwardness, but how can that happen? He couldn't figure it out.

 

Cyrus decided that it was probably the best choice to wait until tomorrow to speak to him, that way he had enough tike to think of a plan, and gather all of his thoughts. He really didn't want to sound like an incoherent mess when he spoke to him. TJ would think he's a joke if he did that.

 

In the meantime, the swings sounded like a great plan. He needed to clear his head, and just pretend everything was okay. Even just temporarily. The park wasn't too far of a walk thankfully.

 

He stomach dropped with a sick sense of deja vu as he approached his swings. Across from them, on the other side of the playground, he spotted TJ and Kira jumping off the swings. Was he dreaming again? He hoped that the same events that went down in his dream didn't happen now. His fragile heart couldn't take it.

 

The world seemed to be against him though, seeing as after TJ stood up straight after jumping, his catches eye contact with Cyrus. He felt frozen again as TJ cautiously made his way towards him. "Hi?"

 

TJ gave him a weary smile, almost as if he was asking _with_ his smile if he was able to smile at Cyrus. "Hey, underdog." Cyrus smiled slightly at the nickname.

 

His smile faded just as fast as it arrived and he looked past TJ towards Kira, who was watching the two of them with a glare. "Uhh, Hey TJ. I was actually wanting to um, talk to you?"

 

A hopeful look crossed the taller boys features, "Yeah?" Cyrus nodded at him, "I've been wanting to talk to you too. I uh, I miss you."

 

Cyrus felt a blush creeping up his neck and he smiled bashfully, "I miss you too. But, Kira?"

 

TJ frowned, "what about her?"

 

That confused Cyrus. What did he mean by _what about her_ _._ She was literally staring at them like she wanted Cyrus to go choke. "she's.. staring? You guys were swinging together. I feel like I interrupted something."

 

"oh yeah." TJ rolled his eyes, "She seems to show up everywhere nowadays. She really wants on the guys team." He sounded annoyed, almost like he wanted nothing to do with her. But, why?

 

"I don't follow.." Cyrus trailed off in question, "You're not- you guys aren't friends?"

 

"God, no!" TJ shivered, like he was disgusted by the idea. _What the fuck_ _._ Cyrus was so confused right now. "Kira is, pardon my language, sorry Cy, but Kira is a bitch."

 

"Excuse me!?" Cyrus and TJs eyes both widened at the booming voice coming from behind TJ, "You seriously want to try and play this game, Kippen? I was nice enough to keep your secret for you!"

 

Kira was absolutely fuming. Her ears were red in anger, and her fists were clenched at her sides. TJ swallowed roughly, "Yeah... Yeah I know. And thank you or whatever. You can tell people whatever you want, I don't really care anymore. I miss Cyrus. And I hate being so scared all the time, so just- go ahead."

 

Each word seemed to make her more angry, and then- she wasn't. She seemed more, smug? Yeah smug is the word. "So you don't care if Cyrus know that-"

 

"I'm gay?" He finished for her. She stopped for a second, seeming to be stumped on where she was giing with it. "Yeah, no. I don't care if he knows. Cyrus is a good person, I know for a fact he would support me. That's just, its how he is. He's loving and supportive. Something you clearly wouldn't understand."

 

Cyrus' eyes were stuck wide open, his jaw slacked as he looked between them. "I think you broke him." Kira rolled her eyes. "That was pretty bold of you. Wonder what everyone else is gonna think."

 

Cyrus felt his fists clench in anger, "Shut up, Kira." He stated calmly, "You have no right to out anyone. It's up to TJ who he tells and when. Not you."

 

"Whatever. You guys are cute. First gay couple at Jefferson?" She asked in a sickly fake sweet tone.

 

Cyrus flushed red, stuttering "I- we- we're not dating!"

 

Kira smirked, "oh?" She looked over to TJ, who was turning more and more red with each passing second.

 

"Kira, stop." He whispered.

 

She ignored him, turning back to Cyrus, "He wants to be, y'know." Cyrus just tilted his head in confusion, "Your boyfriend, stupid. He likes you. You seriously couldn't tell?" She scoffed, rolling her eyes again.

 

TJ turned on his heel promptly, walking away in a swift motion. Cyrus felt stuck yet again. _TJ likes me_ _?_ "TJ! Wait up!" He ignores Kira in favor of running after TJ. He obviously didn't make it very far, Cyrus caught up to him in no time.

 

Without saying a word, Cyrus grabbed TJ by his arm to stop him. TJ turned around to look at him, a teary eyed expression on his face. Cyrus pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms around TJs neck. He could feel the other boy tensing, before slowly wrapping his arms around Cyrus' waist, holding him closer. His shoulders shook as small sobs left his body, but Cyrus just held onto him tighter, rubbing comforting circles against his back. "Shh, it's okay TJ. I'm so sorry she did that. You didn't deserve that one bit."

 

"you don't- you're not uncomfortable?" TJ pulled back slightly to look at the shorter boy, but not unwrapping his arms from his waist. Cyrus still had his arms around TJ, so why couldn't he do the same?

 

Cyrus just looked at him silently for a few seconds. _Here goes nothing_ _I_ _guess_ _._ Cyrus stood on his tippy toes, pressing his lips against TJs. It was short, and ended just as fast as it happened. TJ sat still, frozen in shock, eyes wide. "Was- was that okay?"

 

Cyrus didn't get an answer to that question, just TJ leaning down to kiss him again. It lasted a little longer than the last one, but was still sweet and innocent.

 

Pulling back, TJ smiled down at him, "More than okay."

 

-

 

"Hey, mom? Can I talk to you?" Cyrus peeked his head into his mom's office. She was standing next to a file cabinet going through a green folder, and she looked up as he entered the room.

 

"Of course, sweetheart!" She walked around her desk to stand in from of him, "What's up?"

 

Cyrus pulled her down into a hug, holding onto her shoulders tightly, "I love you."

 

She smiled at this, hugging him back just as tight, "I love you too, dear." They stood that way silently, slowly rocking back and forth until Cyrus pulled back again, ready to explain.

 

"I have a boyfriend." A blush slowly made its way into his cheeks. Cyrus clasped his hands in front of him, rocking on the balls of his feet as he waited patiently for a response.

 

"Oh baby," his mom pulled him into another quick hug, "I'm so proud of you for talking everything through with him. You should invite him to dinner soon. I wanna properly meet the boy who stole my sons heart."

 

"Mommm," he whined, playfully pushing at her shoulders.

 

The two of them laugh softly, and Leslie pulled him into another hug, longer than the last, but shorter than the first. Proud is an understatement on how she was feeling right now. Her little boy was growing up.

 

Cyrus said he was going to go work in his homework, and slipped out of her office and up the stairs towards his own bedroom. She smiled softly as she watched him leave. "Ah how it feels to be young and in love."

**Author's Note:**

> im SO bad at figuring out how to end things haha sorry about that! thanks for reading though!
> 
> find me on Tumblr! @tippen-jippen-kippen


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